Salute to the Brave Craigslist Hunter

Its 10am and I just took a shot of sky vodka. I guess there are some perks of moving and not working for a week and a half as you get assimilated into an entire new life. Granted, I could have made a better selection than sky vodka, but it was there, and I rolled with it. Don't judge me monkey! I have already proved to myself by not drinking for a full calendar month, and then once again three months later, that I am not an alcoholic. Why try to push away a good thing away in fear that it may become a habit. I mean, look at B. Cooper in Limitless; a fable about how drugs end up being good as long as you get past the addiction point and make it an obsession. You then move past the illusions of grandeur and an antiquated past into a beautiful, forward-thinking reality.

This is not to say that irrational behavior does not set in at times after a day of drinking that begins at 10am, you have to watch your p's and q's, whatever the fuck that means.

Part of the moving process is finding someone to take over your lease if you are leaving mid lease like myself. The second, and inherently more difficult task is finding somewhere new to live in your newly acquired "current facebook city." As any normal vagabond searching for an adequate dwelling would do, I turned to the notorious craigslist. A free website for hackers, scam artists, lonely lovers, music lovers without friends, poor people trying to sell shit that superfluous spenders wont even buy, sex offenders, job hunters, job seekers, artists, liars, cheaters, winners, and those looking for a "good time" and a companion for their extra ticket at a Creed concert.

As I tear myself away from the many enchantingly hilarious ads that would keep me interested for days, I stumble into the "rooms/shares" and/or "apartments/rent" section. As an aside, these ads get stranger as you move out of a city and into Suberbia. Try looking for an honest place in Anoka, Minnesota. Won't happen.

Now, I will not say that craigslist is a bad source. I have had success with it for the most part, but there are just some things that I would be remiss in my writing duties if I didn't bring it to the public eye.

1. The not so ambiguously gay roommate need: This is a post where a gay male specifically states his sexual orientation, but does not stop there. He actually requests that the new roommate be of the same sexual orientation or willing to experiment. I cant be sure, but "willing to experiment" most likely does not mean adding a little extra cayenne pepper to the chili recipe. This is coming from a guy who lived with a gay roommate and he was great! But for the life of me I can't understand why these guys don't just say "Do not reply to this add unless you are ready to dress up like David Hasselhoff and play three hours of who is in my mouth with my friends Tom, Davy, Jeff, and Andre'." Seriously, you are out of the closet, come out of it a bit more on your c-list ad.

2. The picture taker - Those who post that they are looking for a roommate and put up a picture of themselves. Now, I think this is great, and usually I do a facebook search for the persons email after they respond to me to see what they look like. However supportive I am of this move, I still think its weird as hell when someone posts 1-2 self photos on their craiglist ad. Mirror shot, flex shot, drink in hand shot for those trying to be social. Then you have the non self photo of the guy with two hot chicks that he never hangs out with. But, for one night in his life he paid them 50 bucks to take a photo with him and smile like they weren't prostitutes. Its like you are renting the apartment and the dude/gal in the self photo..hopefully there are no utilities involved with the individual alone.

3. The user of overzealous vocabulary to describe their "pad" - These are the best. You have someone droning on about their fabulous apartment, ultra-modern, high-end appliances, gorgeous balconies, and elaborate furnishings. Then, you scroll to the bottom of the ad to find NO photos or better yet; a one bedroom apartment advertised as two in a basement with no windows. The appliances are a toaster oven instead of a convectional one, a spatula and wooden spoon, a microwave that has one of those "turn to the minute knobs that dings when its done," and a paper towel rack as a dishwasher. The ceilings are tall enough for a malnourished midget to roam freely only. The furnishings are a semen stained futon from the college days, two wicker chairs with corona signs on the back and a 32 inch Zenith TV with a 47 inch back to it. It is physically coming out of the wall and has rabbit ears sitting on top of it, one pointing to 3pm and the other to 6 covering half of the screen for optimum reception. As far as modern, it has wood floors, but they are comparable to a bowling alley that shut down 30 years ago due to an unresolved asbestos issue.

Now, there are plenty of other types of ads but I just wanted to showcase some of my favorites. Even when you think you are responding to a good ad, you show up and its a Hitler look-a-like who's job is to start his own religion, and he brings his "pals" over on Saturdays, only to find the meetings are held in your bedroom. I used to be hopeful about craiglist but I am learning more and more to stay away. I think I may just look to buy my own apartment. At least then I will be in charge of putting out ridiculous ads talking about my glorious pad with amazing amenities. I'm still not sure what amenities really is. Its an apartment, there is open space. Come by see if you like it, if not, go fuck yourself. Grab a drink on the way out. Good lord.

R