The Ways We Wonder - Part 2

Martin Amis, a mildly alcoholic yet literally privileged European novelist once said, "Lately I am having trouble remembering a lot of my actions and events of my life, or perhaps its that my life has just become less memorable." I sit staring out the window watching the heavy rain fall from the sky, feeling heavy myself because I just cannot figure our where it is exactly coming from. I think about this Amis quote. The comment, rooted in worry. A man, afraid that his best days are behind him, only at the age of 37. Will I be that man? Was my sexual peak at 18 years of age, and from now on I will under-perform and sleep with less adequate women, or turn to men? Have I experienced greatness and failure, two necessary feeling to be alive? Is what awaits me simply checkerboards and discounted carnival rides?

I like to believe not. I try to not let the tougher things in life get me wondering too much. Such as finding out where exactly the rain comes from, or why some blades of grass grow longer than the others standing upright next to them. I try not to think about why a human heart physically hurts when someone "breaks it," when the only mechanism truly effected is the brain. I suppose oxygen flows through both during each breath, so as we breath sorrow, hatred, bliss, or fear, they extend both to the brain and heart, an inevitably causes a shutter of pain. The heart doesn't truly break, but that sharp pain inhibits its core. You are left wondering why you couldn't just settle for being a pretentious, nacissistic, douchebag with a superiority complex, thus making you incapable of pain done by another human being. After all, man does historically have the tragic propensity to hurt the ones and things he love.

Amis sits there nervously trembling and forcing drink to interact with his stomach acid giving him immediate relief from the dark contemplation of an ominously dull future. I on the contrary revel in the thought that the best days could be behind me, that my days are numbered, and that life as a whole is over. I take this thought as a challenge. To transgress the boundaries of limitation, and to uphold the only true agreement we have....to live. To live fully, mostly happy, and with causing as little pain to other as possible. I have realized that my actions to live, and to enjoy, do not always positively effect others, and at times they press hard on the fringe of cruelty. However, I know I will get mine, as long as someone else is living like I.

I am not too naive to realize that some people are dealt a bad hand, others have crippling disabilities, and accidental set backs. I do however believe that for the most part, the people who are unhappy fail to wonder correctly. They wonder about what is to come in a negative fashion, and are unable to embrace challenges and turn them into successes. Those who are happy, wonder well. They wonder how they can make a change, they wonder what they can do to make things better, or their lives more well-rounded. Those who wonder well, do not wonder too long. It is when time is too often spent within ones own head, that it goes erratic, maniacal, and hopeless, searching for answers in a place where the answers never rested. They are out there, not stuck within. 

To sum it up moderately bland, make life memorable and stop worrying like Amis. Stop fearing that you may have made all the "memories" that you will make in your life. The life of one is still constrained by the powers that be, and is mind-blowingly and comparatively short to mans existence on this planet. Perhaps Amis just drank too much and is mind was clogged by potato vodka, and cheap Manhattan whiskey. Alas the acerbating tinnitus that plagued him daily obscured any possibility of looking on the bright side. So I will take away what I can; drink often, but not superfluously, and wonder about the good days to come.