Baby bump, Baby-Baby-Baby- Bump

"Congrats! Oh my jesus H fuckjuice - you have a baby bump!"
- While the comment comes out less crude than I have so elegantly displayed above of course, I dry heave into my medium sized blue recycling bin.

The female-strong office is erupting in prenatal excitement. The males put on that half-grin, just-ate-a-shit particle look on their face to try to appeal to the sounds of joy, while harnessing pure cold-blooded despise for those commiserating around them. I am going to try to not enter this in a male-bias manner, although that may lye outside the realm of reality.

"Can I touch it?"
"How far along are you?"
"See, its okay to be fat for a while!"

These are are the comments that are expatiated from the mouths of those who see a co-worker that isn't often around the office. Can I touch it? No fucking thank you. There is a living, vile, alien looking creature who was forced to inhabit a uterus, and expand a stomach by two people who thought it was time to take birth control out back and shoot it in the face. Not to mention it is still the first trimester for this belly show-off, and that bulge is 98% liquid. I can't help but to picture an excessive pen-poke resulting into an desk area explosion of processed food, stomach acid, and person matter. I know thats a bit of sci-fi farfetchedness, but it is making my non-pregnant stomach near an irritable bowl movement.



Take a look at gorgeous Nick Lachey here. He looks terrified, his face is wrinkling - he is losing thousands of dollars by the second. If they have to retake that picture he is going to have to work one year longer, and their guest room will surely be smaller. 

This is not a post to bash childbirth, after all, I am here due to its premise. It is just that the state of being pregnant is not flauntingly attractive, or interesting to an audience of the masses. Its a good thing in the long run, kind of like removing a planters wart from your foot, but doesn't mean you go around showing people the scar hole it left. You can BE pregnant, and have a baby bump, perhaps even talk about/show off that likely mossy mound in the comfort of your own home. Do this with girlfriends, or mothers, likely your father is vehemently opposed to its appearance as well. Do NOT bring that runway show to the office. Where a shawl, loose garments, work from home. They advise you not to travel when intoxicated with baby...so take it easy, stay in the basement like Powder.