You have probably noticed this choice starvation taking place, perhaps you have even seen it start small and escalate. I am not talking about eating disorders, although this is certainly a start, and much much, more annoying. If a chick walks up to me and says she likes to launch her two bone fingers to the back of her throat to induce vomit, fine by me. If wrestler or swimmer male decides he is going to go "Ghandi" and fast for fucking eight weeks completely...excellent, rock out. This epidemic that I am talking about is the over-healthy, label reading, diet pressure pointers inhabiting menus, grocery stores and workplaces.
Each day another greasy haired pimple popper is firing up this fad. Going for a morning run, eating a moderate amount of calories, and sleeping right doesn't suffice. Those partaking in the cult feel the need to read every article they can google, judge the microprint on labels, and eat like a bird to get to the "proper" physical state. You must see it!?
It goes in stages. First, you begin researching, finding things you should avoid eating and make minor adjustments to wheat pasta or 2% milk. The articles start becoming bookmarks, and maybe you subscribe to a weight loss magazine and spend 20 bucks a weak on lean cuisines for lunches. The progression continues to support groups, others who have been on this hike a bit longer than you, the veteran bird food eaters as I like to call them. You get support from them which feels nice, but they also inform you that you are going about it all wrong; the lean cuisine is too high in sodium, silk milk (soy) is the only way to go, and cous-cous is the new pasta. You'r really on a roll now and bananas that may cause colon cancer if eaten at a certain frequency have been replaced by some guava fruit you can only buy at whole foods 3 months year. Lunch is never purchased, but always brought since "you know how to do it best." The tupperware is filled with a fig, seven shreds of arugula, dried chicken breast (1/2 breast) and an orange peel. There is less flavor in that container than a 7-month old tea bag sitting on a Boston Commons park bench.
People are intrigued by your dish, which excites you - its now your time to shine...or recruit if you will. You talk about your weight loss, but even more, you talk about how you feel that much better than before. You're a new person, rejuvinated and alive. You're fucking starving. It isn't enough for you to just let people know how great you feel and project your insecurities onto others. You have to go further. You start to assess others meals with a scientific eye. You break down every calorie, carb, saturated fat and grain. By the end of your critique the person you have judged is left to feel they are about to bite into an aids patients fecal matter.Fun fucking lunch.
The months roll on, the pounds fall off like flaking skin from a Venezuelan sunburn. Unfortunately, the cult has taken over fully and you are now enjoying nutrients or lack thereof an eroded tree bark morsel and sand crystal water. Your skin is dry, your hair is greasy, your pits smell like Europe from the weak ass Tom's deoderant you are using and you are still fucking starving. Your food chart looks like an IV bag.
So for anyone who is "eating healthy" - take it easy. And, if you want to go fucking Rambo on a diet and turn into a fucking pilgrim, do it on your own time. Do no interrupt my meals, critique my coffee with half and half and real goddamn sugar. Just sit there with your sticks and grass, and vitamin cocktails and shut the fuck up. By the way, for anyone in my office on this food trip; i have been infusing the decaf Keurig cups with a shot of protein, salt, sugar, barley, wheat, heroin, butter, and bread dust. Fucking enjoy.
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