Don't get me wrong - these events are a major step up from the monotony of the work day. I'd much rather converse with our VP about sailing, biking, scotch or clothing than about how I missed the mark on revenue for the 3rd consecutive month and I am one step away from getting tarred and feathered and dragged through the office building lobby. Without fail, a casual conversation will divert into a mildly interesting business discussion, relieving you of the pressure of having to talk candidly and not be too forthcoming.
The Conversations:
They start off non-existent as you look around the room, talking to the regular 4-5 office folks you do on a daily basis. You commiserate lightly about work and comment nonchalantly on the event at hand, commending those few who took the time to plan, organize, and invite. The first glass of wine, purchasable with pocket lint, but dressed in a fancy napkin to hide the label enters your body igniting a fire, and scratches the itch that you have to always drink around these people. A slanted transition is made from work talk to friendly banter that pokes and prods the threshold of comfortability. Insert questions about where you are living and if you have a significant other.
While talking with a female she tells a story about last weekend and mentions that her and her "girlfriend" went pumpkin picking. You bite your tongue and hold onto this piece of information like your playing a fucking game of clue. You think you just solved the office mystery and found that ______ is a lesbian. Turns out, after you started an office-wide rumor, that she is not in fact a lesbian and only has one girlfriend named Connie who has been her best friend for 18 years. Not that anything is wrong, if she is a lesbian, but you just thought you went all Dan Brown and da vinci coded this shit.
Wine turns to whiskey and whiskey back to wine corrupting your insides and guiding you toward the tinted light of inappropriate behavior. People are starting to become "risk takers" and divulge information about their past employers/employees and leisurely likes and dislikes.
Levels of Drunk:
1. The non-drinker - Confident that they are distinguished and above all in the group, praying for a drunk idiot to point fun at. While boring at times its overall not a bad move for a work outing.
2. The sipper - Casually taking sips from a drink that is essentially a hi-c juice box until it becomes so warm that its uncomfortable to hold. The sipper still holds onto it because lord knows they are not getting another.
3. The casual drinker - This is a the just married, or locked-down relationship person. The individual is having a couple drinks to "wind down" and plans to go back to their significant other to say "I didn't drink, I just wanted to relax," This is great, it avoids confrontation with the annoyingly jealous bf/gf/wife/husband and keeps you on an even keel with co-workers.
4. College drinker - This person is a new hire who is recently out of college and can still drink like a frat wrestler on cocaine. They are putting back a good amount of drinks but are hardly phased by the consumption. Occasionally they get a bit out of hand and make fun of someone above them in the hierarchy, but are new enough to not push the boundaries.
5. One-too-many - This is typically a VP or mid-level employee who has decided that the work week was stressful and they are going to put back one-extra beverage. Their conversations will now suck. They try to talk about work but are wrong in their responses, and try to talk about outside activities but the stories don't really "make sense."
6. Taking it to the "level" - This can be any employee who decides, fuck it. Or, they really don't value their job. Or, they are comfortable enough in their position that they could take a shit on the boat deck and still have a place to sit the next morning.
7. Terminator - This employee will no longer have a job the following day, or when regular working hours begin. They pre-gamed the event, had 4-5 drinks over their natural limit, physically accosted a colleague in a higher position, ate something that was not food, drank something that contained their own urine, and simply could not speak and form words to defend themselves.
The Finer Things:
We all get a little looser at these things, let our personalities out and throw our inhibitions to the wind a bit. It is part of the reason these events are held and it is certainly healthy. There are just some funny things that happen. You may find yourself making fun of someone whom you have not priorly spoken to - great. One thing that I like to observe is the end of the night "goodbye." The effervescent liquor drinks are doing the merengue inside your stomach making you act like a prepubescent teen eating rock candy. You have now spent 4 hours with people you would ignore at a grocery store if you saw them at the end of the isle and they didn't spot you. The night is ending, its time to part ways and see each other in 12 hours. This is where the hugging begins. You begin saying adios to these people you are going to see immediately upon waking up tomorrow. They are one step away from sleeping over. The same person who you have been dodging emails from and holding in piss for the rare chance that you run into them in the bathroom...you are now intertwined in each others arms like newlyweds. If the waitress was to come around with one more free shot there is a 60% chance you may tongue kiss that person on the way out.
Your boss is hammered and slurring his/her words. You're very much inebriated and worried about missing your favorite show. You leave, hugging fucking everyone, and call it a good night. Good news is everyone now know what each co-workers favorite color and animal is...and you may have fucked the front desk attendant. Fun. - As a caveat none of this happened on my company outing....
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