Oh, you go Mr./Mrs. morning marathon triathlete. You're wearing shorts and its only 42 degrees because you are daring and want everyone to see your engorged calf muscles. Muscles that would be otherwise restricted by items commonly referred to as pants. Your ipad is the latest model, but more importantly the case holding it looks like it is from star trek, meaning it is the newest model you can get. In fact, you may be the only person with it on the planet. You are fit, but still kind of ugly, thus why you are out trying to keep that bod of yours a "10." Sweat drips down onto the pavement as you grimace with excitement, thrwarting innocent passerbys as if any "walker" is not quite adequate. Congrats, you ran to the super market 3 blocks down the street. You're still not thin.
Bring on the heat Mr/Mrs. Coffee cup enthusiast. Money is tight and starbucks prices are on the rise by the minute. Buying a $7.00 latte is just not in the cards for your meager salary supporting a family of one, so you brew at home. You have turned your kitchen into a shrunken cafe, and you are the top barrista in the universe (yes they make coffee on all planets). After 45 minutes and 37 steps you have made the perfect 60z blend of ethiopian, california, cat turd, and cocoa dark liquid, jacked with caffeine to get your "spry" on. You pour this into your big gulp plastic container built specificially for keeping the heat in, ignoring the fact that its 94 degrees out already and the cup may even melt. You exit your apartment disheveled looking. Too bad you took more time to make your coffee than to shower, shave, dress, and fart, then emptied yourself onto the street with the rest of the inadequate store bought coffee drinkers.
Buenos dias Senor/Senora dog walker. You are up nice and early with the rest of the people around you for no other reason but to make sure your pet does not defecate on your newly remodeled wood floor. Instead you are going to coax him/her into leaving a nice steaming pile of fecal matter anywhere they choose. You may be one of the good ones who is equipped with one of those ultra gross bio-degradable bags to scoop the shit up with, but probably not. To be honest I dont know what I would rather see less; you leaving the dog shit on the ground for me the oblivious coffee cup enthusiast or myself to step in it, or you physically picking up shit with your hands.
Go back to bed Mr./Mrs. I am just so fucking happy with life, I don't work, and I am only awake to watch the zombies go off to their nine to five while I plan my day of masterbation, eating, and graphic novel writing. Stay in bed. You are worthless and most likely living off some disability that you received after faking a neck injury driving your smart car. Those cars suck, they are closer to the moped family than a car. Return the car to the dealership where you bought it on the second floor. They probably put the car in a regular elevator and lowered it down, since you can actually do that with those things. After the car is returned go home. Stay home, eat cocoa puffs, turn on pornhub, scratch yourself and fall asleep.
I am sorry Mr./Mrs businessman/women. You are up early because you have to be. Someone dictates every Monday-Friday (sometimes weekends) of your life. You don't have time to brew coffee so you stop at the starbucks routinely after buying the Washington Post, or Huffington post, or both. The day is in front of you but the only time you are looking for is 5pm, it has to be that time somewhere. But, I salute you. You dont have time for a shit brain dog pooping on everything flat or bumpy, you drink normal coffee, you are fit and good looking because you work out but don't care that people notice. You do not drive a smart car, you take the subway. You contribute to society and a growing economy, karma will help you out one day.
The 6th type of person you see in the morning:
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