A recent article on Gothamist got me thinking about this. For a period of time, Hunter S Thompson wrote rejection letters for Rolling Stone Magazine. Needless to say, he didn't beat around the bush and the only portion of purple prose included was written in a derogatory and insulting manner, in order to exasperate the point. I particularly like the way he ended the letter, giving young Michael some hope. http://gothamist.com/2011/08/17/when_hunter_s_thompson_penned_rolli.php
A psychiatrist once told me that whenever anxiety creeps up on your like a rapist in the middle of a snowstorm just stop and say "what is the worst thing that can happen." If a rapist were to sneak up on you, the worst thing that could happen is that he rapes you and wears your skin around Little Rock, Arkansas for 3-4 months in her mothers basement. I do not really agree with the psych's analysis. When I told him that trains give me anxiety in the morning he asked me to think about the worst thing that could happen.
"The worst thing? I start sweating uncontrollably in front of the hottest woman in the world as she stares at me. Her jaw drops as if she just seen a moose fucking a Chihuahua, but doesn't ask me what's wrong. I start to panic, my breath gets short and noticeable warm pouring out of my mouth, but its stuck near me like I am in a tight bubble. Now even ugly people are staring at me as the raining sweat falls from my forehead to the train floor. My knees tremble, lighting gets darker and I pass out. My loafer loses its footing as it slips on the sweat puddle formed by my leaking pours. I fall down hitting my head on the adjacent handle rail. I hit hard enough to die, but I don't - death would be a welcomed result at this point. Soon I wake up and the hot woman, the Asian retard, an old man with perfume on, and a bum holding his dog on a rope lease as it licks my face are all standing around me for support."
I have attached an image of my resume, the actual resume I submit to new job offers. I think this will help out during this experiment. I am going to write as if some deranged, pompous asshole would write if he was forced to send me a rejection letter (worst thing that could happen). Keep in mind his flippant tone is due to the fact that A) he doesn't care B) he is forced to do this and C) this is rejection letter number 110 for the day.
Dear Mr. "Thanks for putting your middle name" -
While I wish only to quote the film Billy Madison and award you no points at all for your efforts, I am obliged to give you my full original attention.
If the first sentence did not give it away, someone else already obtained employment here. Well, that's actually a lie, the position is still open but the take home here is the "right fit" is not you. It seems here that your career has been on a little magic carpet ride with a no stop ticket to "what the fuck do I want to do with my life?" You started off working for a woman running for Michele Bachmanns congressional district in Minnesota. While there was a slight moment of sympathy due to the fact that the only excitement you had while working in MN was stealing meth from a local and huffing it down in your motel room apartment. From there you campaigned for an illiterate Yuppy attempting to make his name known in the family by obtaining a powerful seat on political office. Judging by the dates listed to the right, he didn't win - there are two loses in a row for you Ryan.
At this point you got the picture...You're not the next Ryan Gosling in Ides of March. It's time to stop and move forward amicably into making more than $2k/month and hitting on candidates daughters, or anyone willing to sleep with a poor fuck with pity employment. You work for commonsense media, which may be the worlds smallest political advertising firm. At no point do you talk about advertising in this section, kind of sounds like you were the owners bitch. There is a good chance that some of your daily tasks included but are not limited to picking up dog shit and delivering groceries. Glad you can use Salesforce - we have absolutely no use for that here, this actually lost you points...if we had a point system.
Before hitting your last section of employment, which is probably fake, lets delve into your achievement and "publications." I put the publications in quotes which added an extra 12 seconds to this to emphasize the hilarity of the list. I hope your next advertising job can find a nice use for that psychological test your wrote and never administered. Maybe you can give it to the HR department and they can use it to write down phone numbers for WB mason on the back. Literally fucking ANYONE can write in Bostinno, you simply just sign up. Telling yourself you have a publication there is almost as laughable as calling yourself an author because you have a blogpspot! Take is easy the T.S Elliot.
While my hand is cramping and the vodka is fuming off my breath as I stare at the rising stack of failures to my left, I feel compelled to finish. Tt looks like you're gearing up to stay in mobile advertising but your track record proves otherwise. I would not doubt that in two years the top line of this resume will read "UPS delivery guy." The numbers look nice but remember 45% improvement on 0 ain't shit. You and your make believe company can honestly go fuck themselves. The fact that they created all these tasks for you to do makes me think they couldn't find one thing you were good at, so figured why not try this. I do wish you th
I was about to finish that last sentence but the bourbon/vodka mix and your lack of ability to prove your self worth on a piece of paper has forced me to vomit the contents of my luncheable. The luncheable was stolen out of the fridge, thus making it free as fuck. Better get better at stealing.
Hiring Manager
Girl Scouts of America
