That Sexy Motha Fuckin' Coronavirus

Years later I am surely to look back at the title of this and marvel in its childish nature, but after months of isolations my ethereal and adolescent brain just wont let me attach a mature naming.

So its time, its been long enough to write what I do recognise as cliche' yet compulsory, obligatory even - thoughts on covid and the experience of self isolation. Rather than drone on with endless paragraphs of prose, which while purple, I promise you are missing out on some stunning vocab works. But, rather than being enlightening, charming, well spoken and driving couples from coital slavery, I'll go with a list. A list of of observations and experiences throughout this joyous opportunity for solitude and confinement. Mom - not everything I write is true or about me. I've learned these precursors are necessary when engaging in such a piece.

So "here it comes" in my best Alex Turner Sheffield England accent.

Observations of a lonely dickhead in isolation:

1. There is a new found obsession with keeping devices 100% charged. Its like there is this imminent fear that at one point the electricity is going to go out and I'll be left with 4 hours of macbook pro juice, and if I am lucky 9 hours of iPhone life before Im digging through the drawer of junk trying to find a fucking kindle which, mind you, has zero connectivity capabilities other than connecting to amazon. Which may allow me to buy another phone without batter therefore depleting my bank account and still being deprived of social distancing interaction via the virtual world.

2. Everyone is now attractive. I went for a run yesterday through Victoria park where typically Lovebox is held every year. The irony of social distancing in a park that is used to hosting 5,000 people dry humping each other listening to house music is comical. However being in isolation opens up your mind into whats attractive. For me as Im running about ANY boob bounce was a turn on. Small, big, uneven, nipples only. I was starting like a dope fein out in Santa Monica boulevard praying for a quarter drop. How long will this last? As soon as I am able to touch in the words of superbad an actual female nipple, will this dissipate or am attracted to any and all - ambivalent throughs leave me dizzy, but oh the boobs will save me.

3. People don't want to be alone. There is more connectivity than ever. As I speak with clients who live alone or partners who wish they lived alone for a day, there is a innate desire to be around other humans. Its gives credence to the commercials, social media posts, and profiteers who promote "us" and being there for each other. It's show that we cohabitate for a reason, that love is not lost and people should not fear change with one another but fear the notion of a desolate universe.

4. Anyone else have a sweet tooth? Last week I had a kit kat bar pre 9am every day. I woke up at 4am this morning started drinking sweet orange juice from the bottle and chased it down with a chunk of M&M bar with crispy bits. If you have not tried that candy yet, get yourself a mask, bandana or comdom, wrap that fucker around your face and get your virus susceptible body into an off license to buy one. They are delicious.

5. Friends are the best. Prior to this two men calling up each other on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday would be considered "gay" or even questioned by our partners as an excessive catch up. I have about 3 calls a week with my good friend Dom - who I think is probably gay. His hair is now growing out and he is using his fiance's hair tie to push it back. Sadly its not long enough to do so, so its more of an act of feminism but I love him anyway. Dom - when you're ready to come out of that closet I will be there...two homosexual meters away. Not because I am worried that you are going to try to butt hump me, just because its the rules. You understand.

6. Online dating is for the birds. I started off the first couple weeks in a full rabit hole. I was like Anthony Kiedis in Scar Tissue - there was not a drug he wouldn't try shooting, not an app I wouldn't give a look. It was not until after my friend Freddie recommended some app that turned out to be all people with bisexual fetishes like feet, pee-pee, and in some cases beating each other with cooking equipment that I had to take a step back and question both my sexual orientation and prowess. There are some advances beings in this crazy world of sex. I highly recommend putting the apps down.

a) if you meet you'll get sick. If you are thick enough to believe that they have decided to risk their health for you and only you because of your uncut hair and 4 inch dick, you're wrong. You are likely guy number 4 this week and not only do you have COVID but you have Chlamydia.

b) Take this time to be alone. We never have that opportunity to be truly alone. Masturbate.

c) No one tells the truth on these things. Even if you end up on an emotional rollercoast of whatsapp transition conversations, they are saying what you want to hear and vice versa. You'll meet in 3 months and realise you like her friend who isnt a cunt.

7. Speak to your family. If you hate them or love them, they are thinking of you. I lose my grandfather during this virus, and to the virus. When he was on a ventilator against his will the nurse help her mobile phone up to his ear so that each one of his grandchildren could say goodbye. From London to Virginia, to Connecticut, and California we all said our final words and an Irish blessing. As if almost planned by a god I can't call mine, he passed just as my father said his final words. I hope no one reading has had to experience a loss but if you have, you're not alone. Call your family often, kiss them if you can. This virus is a motha fucka but its not going to ruin all our plans.

So I'll leave it at lucky number Sleven which is a great movie on Amazon Prime if anyone is keen on horse racing and Josh Hartnett, yes he did another movie outside of Pearl Harbor. Stay isolated and stay sane. If you feel sad call a friend, call a family member. Guy -  don't be shallow or try to be omnipotent, we all need help at times, and this time is no different. Whether it's on facetime, zoom or micro teams, whilst on 30mins of exercise, or yourself in the mirror. Ask that person how they are doing with genuine passion - you never know when they need a friend more than ever. Let love win.

R

5,000 Miles

There is this third eye blind song I have always loved where the lyrics say "...and I have never been so alone, and I have never been so alive." It's titled Motorcycle Drive By. I still cant really make out the title relation to the lyrics, but I suppose I don't have to.

It's lonely here. 5,000 miles separate me and the closest person who shares my bloodline and I'm drip feeding affection for them through a 6inch screen, longing for attention like morphine. How are you bro....Ash, don't fall in love again too quick - he's just a boy. Kate, wear you mask as you muster up the strength to save another life. Dad - pops is still there, keep your head up, quarantine and let the whiskey sing. Charlie, heal your leg, 75 never looked so good. Michelle, keep the state strong as you, keep your family stronger. And Mom, sorry for the last time we were together...Im trying to be a better man.

As the seconds chase the minutes, tik tok applications make me ill. I try to fight the feeling but the liquor wont keep me still. Sober enough to feel, but drunk enough to not - it's a monotonous battle against the clock and its automatic. There is no battery; as long as the world spins the hands turns round and round. Another day, another dollar, another night with my hands around the collar of a love I cannot stop to miss.

You did this mate. You moved across the country to find a job that paid you well. As the money made the man you said, they'll look up at you so proud. So you kept your head on straight kept plowing to the top, but its lonely in that atmosphere and still you cannot stop. You ran through women like the lottery, never cashing in a check. Just playing for the win, when the odds were already set. Congrats my friend, for you have lost another day in a row. But you're rich so play again, and let money dissipate slow.

If I could call upon a friend many days ago I'd ask him to abide. Take my hand sit by my side or just go for a ride. Look at the images of fancy things, Prada dressed in McQueen lace, but steady mate, hold your pace....

These things you seek are few and far between but the love you pass is vast. Breath, look, feel and taste - this life is not a race. There's people that will love you, and theres friends that will surely pass. But be a better man this year, that's all that I can ask. As you actions hurt not one nor two, but the masses alas...And you my friend have love in your veins....now please put on this mask.

Pops

You got your belt buckled? Yes.
And what else? Mind your father

Always a lesson with a smile and nod
hands cracked from years of trade
car engine runs but not so good
bank account empty, but did what he could
Trips to New York City, baseball games and such
Picking fights with small town thugs

Boy, turned to man, turned to dad turned to pops
Loving endlessly, a war hero never stops
As breath grew short, and hairs sprouted array
We sang jovially on his 90th birthday
Sing soft, sing sweet, one day again we'll meet
Right after Gram has a few words with you.

Chips and dip, and scramble eggs
sleepovers and stocking legs
I remember all the moments as if they were yesterday
With my umpires you always had your say
I wrote this on arm so you never go away
may the road rise to meet you..we pray.

Weightlessness

There isn't a cure for the common cold, like the common heartache that pushes at our ventricles like an unstoppable rebel force. A simple song comes on with vague and flaccid lyrics and you're drenched with emotion - a child could have written it but it pulls at every violin string of your gut. They're two in the same, you're living but weakened.

Gypsy singer, witching speaker, tell me how to live in this beast. The world it keeps on spinning and and I'm hanging on its axis - which way is north..if I am always falling down?

The drinks never end and the drugs are superfluous. We hate them til we love them and the party never dies..until we do. Tip toeing on the diving board a meter from the water, can it keep us cool? After all we are cool aren't we? Bring me to the blue part, dip me in the pretentious glass sea. I want to feel weightlessness... chlorine dripping from my pours. I've got 20 tons of pressure pushing me down but my pussy foot wont let me slip from the edge.

The streets are empty with a virus that cannot sleep, the public cannot cope and McDonalds is closing doors. Cycle lanes are empty and Im careening through the universe its axis on a tilt, I'm guiltless and free like the dopamine dreams. Catch me if you can DiCaprio, I ran a red light with a green walk sign and an old lady winks while a parachute by...bye grandma. But in this environment where everyone feels stuck, trapped,  like Stockholm syndrome, Im buzzing like a bee, Muhammad Lee. The streets are empty with a virus that cannot sleep, I forget to signal right and Im hit by an empty TFL bus running a red light. At least the virus wont spread.