Well, this certainly looks ironic doesnt it? A blog with alcohol in its core title and a blog that is riddles with sex, drugs, and alcohol. You know what else it's all-embracing?
- Shame
- Ego
- Materialistic things
- images of me I want to be seen as
- narcissism
- boyish behaviour
The list goes on, and its not bloody pretty.
This is my first week and go at NO alcohol. The past three weeks within my ego-maniacal debauchery I have: cracked a rib, contusions to my knee, obtained 10 unknown bruises, scared my family, lost my fiance', went to hospital, went to a rehab (left), had the emergency services come to my flat, have to fly home to the US, had go to the hospital again, cried.
Now, any normal sane person would just save give up alcohol mate, its not working for ya. Well I am an alcoholic and a sex addict. I can't stay away from these things on my own and I cannot do it easily with help. So this is the beginning of this years journey, which cannot be taken faintly. At the moment, I do no not know how I can do it. I have 6 days sober at the moment and I am anxious, scared and alone. I have to hand over my will to a higher power, we will call it "the god thing," although I do not believe in god, so a thing it will be. I have realised I do not have control, and that only a power other than me can restore me to sanity.
This is of course admitting to insanity - which has a mordant comfort to me to know that I am not the man who has done some of the things that I have done. The pain is too palpable at the moment to accept the way I current feel and to take all of the blame - one day I can make amends for the affliction I taken on others.
I have nothing left. My weight is down and I find it hard to eat from a hiatic hernia, which typically inflicts its pain on 50+ year old overweight smokers. The days are incredibly long, as they dip deep into the night. Paralyzed by thought I lay engrossed in sheets with nightmare beats playing songs I've always known but never faced. I pray for the next day to come only to complete so they move on swiftly. It never ends. One day at a time, never held such weight.
There is not much more to say during this first entry as I have made no progress, other than to wallow in my own misery and stare dreamily, absent-mindedly out into the abyss somewhere searching for the bit of hope I dont own.
