February 9, 2012 - I Just Don't Think I Like You

Ever sit back and think for a while about someone you recently have decided to spend a lot of time with and ask why? Then at the end of that thought provoking, and self-enlightening exercise, you realize, you pretty much hate everything about them.

I came to this realization this morning. The thinking exercise took place just after I had written down three things I was grateful for that day, an exercise that I do every morning. I was on the treadmill listening to non-lyrical music, which allows me to think. With lyrics I concentrate on the words and not on my thoughts, so this was good. I started thinking about this girl I have been spending 3 nights a week with, and with my schedule that is a significant amount of my free time. Cigarettes are smoked from time to time, which insanely grosses me out. I have smoked about 10 cigarettes my entire life and would rather suck on a shit flavored jelly bean covered in cat hair.

First things I thought of were sexual and physical. I did not find a whole lot of negatives there, which is why I am probably still somewhat engaged. However, I did think that I could do better, looks wise. As a partial narcissus I just believe that I should have something on my arm that is fairly impressive. This girl is not bad, but its like Tiffany's compared to Harry Winston. Who is going to get a Tiffany's ring and say I am glad its not Winston? No one, just like someone is not going to say "gee, this Harry Winston 3K diamond ring for roughly $87k is nice but I would have rathered the $4k Tiff ring. Won't happen.

So put that to rest because we all get old, mostly lose our looks gradually, and in the scheme of things it hardly matters. Good sex ranks higher than looks. I started thinking about the things we do from day to day. How we spend out nights, about what our governing values are. They are all different. Our schedules dont match, our sleeping habits are polar opposites. Working out at the gym for the internal benefits do not occur to her as they do me.

I don't like this person, and our governing values do not match. Things could never go anywhere. Why am I still in? Such a loaded questions. It is ironic since Valentines day, the holy fucking hallmark holiday of the year is coming up fast. There is a high likelihood that in lieu of my recent revelations that I will savagely cancel plans at just about the last minute. Hopefully she will get the point. I mean she can't want to truly be with someone like me, when I feel this little. This should be considered a valentines gift, not a shattered popsicle heart.

Tough love it is, wouldn't be the first time I was called an asshole.